For some parts of us, this can sound straightforward. People ask us all the time, “How are you?” But how often do we pause long enough to check in with ourselves in a way that’s actually useful?
This article is about feelings — not as something to get lost in, but as signals worth understanding. If you choose to read on, you’re welcome to do so slowly, staying respectful of any parts of yourself that feel hesitant, unconvinced, or simply uninterested at first. Those responses are not a problem; they often reflect strategies that once helped us function well in the worlds we grew up in.
Many people — men in particular — were not encouraged to pay much attention to their inner experiences until adulthood. Not because they lacked depth or sensitivity, but because being composed, capable, and self-reliant appeared more useful and more valued in the circumstances they grew up in. Turning inward later can therefore feel unfamiliar or awkward, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
How are you feeling today?
My friend’s little daughter, a very lively, expressive child, was already very knowledgeable about feelings and very good at her own emotion regulation at the age of 7. This came about partly thanks to a book she carried around with her called “How are you feeling today?” (by Molly Potter). When the family cat died, she sat under a table reading the book and finding the feelings she felt before re-expressing them with even more clarity than before to her family. The little girl felt encouraged to have her feelings, explore her feelings, express them as appropriate and this also helped her to understand other people with their feelings too. The adults around her were astounded since they themselves were children of the 60’s and 70’s and permission to feel their feelings had been pruned out of them with a “Children should be seen and not heard” and “Just get on with things” attitude.
For many of my clients who had no access to such materials growing up and whose parents own emotional maturity was limited, this invitation to be so respectful to their own internal life is mind-blowing and can be very relieving but also overwhelming, like learning a foreign language from scratch.
For my LGBTQIA+ clients, there is often an added layer of difficulty due to some important developmental burdens. Their protector parts often took on the necessary task of total suppression or secrecy around their sexual feelings in the environment they grew up in order not to become a complete outcast. For some readers, even naming this history can bring up discomfort, distance, or scepticism — all of which are understandable responses shaped by what once kept them safe. So if being curious about your feelings is unfamiliar or scary for you, you’re not alone and there’s space for all parts of you that have a stake in how you manage your emotions.
What are feelings?
Feelings are spontaneous reactions inside our bodies to external or internal events. They tell us something about the meaning of the events for us. On a very basic level the body signals to us whether the event is good or bad, whether we like or dislike what is happening. If we are able to pay attention, the signals let us know whether our body is basically saying yes or no to something. The thinking mind may register these internal shifts and find names for them such as fear, sadness, anger, happiness and many others.
How about a quick experiment to get to know some of these signals in your body? No one can tell you exactly what happens or should happen inside you so there is no right or wrong. If you are feeling curious or brave, you might just try this and see what happens but you are also just welcome to read it through and get the gist for it without dipping in too much if it doesn’t feel right or safe to do so.
Can you think of something that you unequivocally like?
Something you really, really know for sure that you enjoy and appreciate?
It could be kittens or some work of art or an activity, preferably something with no if’s or but’s about it, just pure liking.
Now I invite you to close your eyes, dwell just there, imagining your chosen object or activity in as much detail as you can manage, focusing on all that is good about it.
Allow yourself to stay there for a while. Just dwell and invite the liking and enjoying to be there for a bit longer.
Then shift your attention to your body and notice how it is responding?
What’s happening in your body?
Specifically what’s happening in your stomach, your chest, your shoulders, your face, your limbs?
Typically for things we enjoy, there’s often a widening, an expansiveness, a warmth, a softening.
There might be a feeling of pleasant liveliness inside and a sense of more uprightness.
There are likely to be more personal descriptions, sensations, images or impulses that are personal to you. Noticing this could be the start of a clearer inner compass about what is good for you and what is not good for you. A lot of therapy is taking the time to pause and tune into your internal life without evaluating, judging or trying to fix things too quickly.
Why are feelings important?
Feelings help give us access to our needs so they are like a compass helping us to make choices for ourselves which align with our values. As an example, if the thought of losing a specific friend makes us very sad, it may be a sign that there is a lot of love in the friendship and that it is important to us to keep the person in our life if we can. If we are angry about someone else’s behaviour, it may mean that a boundary has been overstepped or an important value has not been adhered to and the energy in that feeling may support us to advocate for ourselves or others we care about. If we are afraid of facing an exam, it may mean that we need a stronger feeling of certainty around our own competences to face the challenges and could benefit from reassurance through information about the exam and perhaps also emotional support from someone who understands.
What happens if I don’t know my own feelings?
Many of my clients particularly those socialised male have protector parts that hold them very distant from their own feelings. In Internal Family Systems language we might say there are manager parts with a mission to keep any feelings at bay that could connect to a sense of vulnerability. None of this describes a personal shortcoming; these are learned survival strategies that once made sense in their context. If we get to know the context, I am confident that we will understand the patterns. In his book “Real Boys” William Pollock PhD describes “The Boy Code” which includes edicts such as:
- Never show any feelings (except anger).
- Fear and vulnerability are for wimps and you will be teased or shamed for revealing them.
- Separate from mum and all things female as quickly as possible.
Adherents to the Boy Code have protective parts who automatically (and subconsciously) prioritise a sense of belonging to men as a group rather than accessing emotional life and being in touch with their inner movements.
How does therapy help?
Like many of our protector parts, they are responding to needs that may no longer be up-to-date and may cost us more than they currently serve us. Healing from this involves tuning into that history and the positive protective intentions with great respect, curiosity and a good dose of patience. This can lead to an improved, updated, more flexible relationship with these protective mechanisms.
Being in the presence of a therapist who has achieved a good level of emotional maturity and has a lot of space for emotions without always trying to quickly fix or solve them is a huge relief for many of my clients. There may have been such powerful shaming experiences directly or indirectly around feeling and expressing more vulnerable emotion that a lot of trust needs to be built first in order for a space for the emotions to feel safe enough. We get to know those parts first. I have often heard of the huge relief and unburdening that comes about from being able to share parts of our inner life with a person who has a high tolerance for emotional pain and is interested in the signals, meaning, values instead of just viewing them as a problem to be solved. In this kind of atmosphere clients can learn a tolerance of emotions and an attunement also to feelings that are experienced negatively.
Feeling without Fixing Fast
At a pace that respects the nervous system and never requires more openness than feels possible in the moment, clients in good therapy work receive coaching to become acquainted with emotional signals in a curious and loving way. This enables clients to experience the benefits, the settling, the relief that comes with feeling without fixing fast. The therapist’s curiosity towards all protector parts with their agendas about steering clear of feelings helps the client to experience themselves with deep respect rather than as something broken that just needs to be fixed.
An important “tool” in therapy is a slowing down enough in order to notice what is going on inside and be interested in it. This does not sound fancy at all. The word “noticing”, which is often called “mindfulness” or “open-hearted awareness”, is a very honest word for this basic tool. It means being imbued with enough self-energy to be interested in the feelings without trying to be too controlling of them and it can also mean finding enough trust and loving openness to be open to the information contained in the feelings even if we don’t like it. We are, in the end, making friends with ourselves and that requires diplomacy and a preparedness to learn something we didn’t know already.
About Therapy With Me
It is a source of happiness and meaning for me in my life to be able to accompany clients on their journeys inward in which they tentatively become acquainted with themselves on the inside. I enjoy being a kind of coach to enable my clients to reconnect with parts of themselves who need encouragement and guidance in order to emerge from the sidelines. There are unexpected gifts to be found in this process. And each time I support someone with integrating some previously sidelined parts of their humanity in this way, the emotional disconnections that are experienced as normal in many circles can have a little bit less power over us and anyone we come into contact with.
